Portrait of Depression 2015

I’m having a Marilyn Monroe moment.

My phone is in my hand and I am itching for human contact. But I can’t do it. I can’t reach out, can’t dial, can’t talk. At the same time all I want to be is alone, preferably in the dark silence.

Tears form in my eyes and I stare at the screen, paralyzed.

It hurts. Everything hurts.

I am the child of summer. I was raised in the sun. So why now do I fear the season of light and warmth? I’ve ceased trying to understand. It is some chemical imbalance after all, out of my control.

Or seemingly so.

Even after:
Eating well
Exercise and activity
Deep breaths
A support network

I have failed again to control my own brain.

It’s not coincidence that it was worst in 3 summers: when my child was born, when I separated from her father and the summer everything was now okay and I spent nights crying in the psych ward. The past years have been not as bad in comparison. They’ve made me soft, made me let down my guard. I was unprepared this time.

And how can this be any more difficult than what I’ve already survived? I’ve been through worse and come out shining. Life has never been better. This should be a piece of cake. But it’s not.

I say I’m okay but I’m not.
I want help but don’t know how to ask.
I’m desperate to talk, to hang out, but I’m afraid you won’t understand that you will think me weak, or a drama queen, or otherwise not worthy of your time.

I am tired of being sad.

2014 in review

hmmm… this blog got a little neglected this year. no promises but hoping 2015 will be a better blogging year 🙂

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 680 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 11 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Warm fuzzies at year’s end

Kind of crazy considering am a single mom working full time, but I volunteered to be room parent for Katie’s kindergarten class. I didn’t do much, just attended some meetings and did a lot of emailing. One thing I did want to do as a room parent was to rally the troops and get something for the teachers.

Katie’s kindergarten teacher is just soooo awesome. Every day during morning meeting she has the kids say compliments (aka warm fuzzies) to each other. I figured this would make a great companion to our year end present for her and her assistant. Still waiting for the rest of the index cards to come back but here is how they will look like before they get put in a photo album with their class picture.


Kids are so sweet.

Index cards and pretty paper go a long way.

Caffeine fix

Yay for free Keurig coffee in the office. French Roast seems to be a favorite around here.

I wish I had one of these at home. So convenient and practical because I am the only coffee drinker.

Katie says: Coffee is just for grownups. Yuk!